I wake up, my debt is all paid off, my bank account is full, my relationships with my family are healthy, and Iâm able to travel anywhere in the world.
reblog for this ultimate fantasy life to come true
1.) Put a fucking pillow under your ass. Raise that hole up. A butt hole isnât a vagina, you gotta help that dick reach it.
2.) Missionary is your friend. Start on your back and then you can be adventurous and do dick cartwheels or whatever crazy karma sutra shit you wanna try.
3.) Distraction is fucking key. If youâre not ready to go full throttle dick plunge make your man be sneaky. Lick his ear, have him twist your titties. Idk wharever youâre into but FORGET about a sausage slamming into twizzler hole and let the gates open up by themselves.
4.) Dry dicks = rug burn inside your ass. wetter is better
5.) For fucks sakes take a giant shit before you get into bed. I donât care how much you donât think youâll poop on his dick. Youâre gonna poop on that dick. Porn is a lie.
6.) Once the dick is in, donât feel like you gotta be fancy. Your butt hole isnât Pink Floyd. It doesnât need a light show. You canât start out with all these magic tricks or your butt hole will GIVE UP. It can NOT sustain 30 minutes of pile driving while also doing kegels. RELAX YOUR FUCKING BUTT HOLE
7.) So youâre doing gr8. The dick is in. The poop is absent. Your butt hole isnât trying to be a fucking gymnast. Itâs time for the party tricks:Â
– Sit on the dick WITH him also sitting up straight. Donât let that fucker lay down. This is BUSINESS. When you are sitting ontop of him, you have complete control. Squeeze your entire body and push yourself UP AND AGAINST boy whose dick is inside of you. It is important that you push yourself up AND AGAINST said boy or his dick is gonna knock that spot that makes you wanna end it all. I donât care what Harry Potter fan fic you read, a prostate isnât a fucking clitoris. You canât just bang that shit head on and expect to feel like your jizzing. Itâs called a PROstate because you gotta leave that shit to the professionals.Â
– Try doggy style while pushing back when he pushes forward. It makes him think youâre enjoying his dick ripping your beautiful ass hole into a gaping black hole. Also, squeeze like a mother fucker when pulling off the dick. Push back, squeeze forward. Got it? Great
8.) Okay so youâve tried out some weird shit, youâre getting close to him popping his load. DONâT get fancy here. You had your chance, the time has past. Itâs time to stay fucking put and squeeze that asshole until he is done. You donât have all fucking day. Youâre a busy bitch. Hurry that bitch up.Â
9.) Donât let that fucker cum in your asshole unless you are prepared to shit it out. NOBODY TELLS YOU WHAT SEMEN DIARRHEA IS GONNA BE LIKE. ITâS LOUD AND FULL OF PAIN. Tops are demons, donât let them sin inside you.
CONGRATS you are 1 step closer to being Americaâs Next Top Bottom. Go take a nice long shit you slut, you deserve itÂ
This kid is hilarious and totally cute too.Â
THIS IS THE FUNNIEST SHIT ON THIS WEBSITE! GOD BLESS!
This is by far the best thing I have read⌠ever on this siteâŚ
Omg⌠I inhaled my saliva when I went to laugh. I am dying. This is the end! This was too funny! đ
âDonât let him sin inside youâŚâ Oh my god.
Someone told my ex-dad (not a sex thing; he just disowned me) that Iâm trans and now heâs threatening to come to work and make a scene, and I know I should be upset, but like. Whatâs he gonna say exactly? And to whom? Because imagining a haggard and likely shitfaced Pennsylvania construction worker barging through the grocery store like, âHEY!!! THAT BROAD-HIPPED 5’3â EFFEMINATE KID WITH THE CONSPICUOUSLY BIZARRE NAME WHO SPEAKS IN A CARTOONISHLY AFFECTED CARICATURE OF MASCULINITY AINâT GOT NO DICK!!! YOU GONNA BUY SCRATCH OFF TICKETS FROM SOME KINDA DICKLESS ABOMINATION??â is wild. Whatâs it going to accomplish? Or is he gonna call my manager? âHELLO, IâD LIKE TO REPORT A FRAUD IN YOUR DELI DEPARTMENT. THERE IS NOT SAUSAGE AS ADVERTISED.â What the fuck.
Odds are heâs more embarrassed of having a trans ex-kid than I am of being outed at work, so what if I go to his job and tell everyone Iâm trans first? What then, coward?
Dick or no dick, this post has some of the biggest dick energy I have ever seen.
Iâm translating this so any foreigners who have been to the national museum can help as well. Please reblog regardless of where youâre from.
âAfter tonightâs tragedy, museology students from UNIRIO(University of Rio de Janeiro) are trying to help preserve the memory of the brazilian national museum. We ask that those who have videos or pictures(and even selfies), of the collection share them through the e-mail thg.museu@gmail.comâ
Rockets in the sky 